I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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