Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
