Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
