You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
