Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
