I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
