Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
