i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
