So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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