Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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