i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
