operation harelip BJ is a go
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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