Ambien. No doubt about it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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