Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
