gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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