alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
