Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
