New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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