you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
