He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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