Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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