Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
this hospital has no fireball
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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