So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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