Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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