i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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