After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
