Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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