Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
