my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
