I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
