I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
