You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
