i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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