How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
