Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
