i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants