not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"