This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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