U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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