There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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