I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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