Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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