She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
