There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize