I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
