Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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