Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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