Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
