went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
