Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
