How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
