Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
