Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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