so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
