So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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