o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
